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Friday, February 16, 2007
*rewinds time to 2 weeks before*
decided to respond to God's prompting. be holy for i am holy. living a pure life.
the psp had to go. taking too much of my time. time which i needed to commit to something else.
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strange feeling of immense sadness, immense burden. not that i was bearing it, but i was like having a glimpse of wat someone else was feeling for another.
naturally God provided an answer. It was His for His own. though i couldnt really understand wat for. perhaps just for for me too feel as He feels. perhaps.
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*forwards time to 1 week before present time*
the whole week was really mind blowing. the more i drew nearer, the more i lost of myself, the closer i was, the clearer i see things, the sharper i hear His voice.
mindless? slave? no will of my own? no. but rather, i lost things that wasnt necessary or even detrimental to me b4. things i just accepted as "its okay if they are in my life".
He presses the flush button. i hear the sound of rushing water. i see a clean toilet bowl. i exclaim out in surprise!
i was badly choked.
small to big. thoughts. reasoning. thinking. the way my thoughts were structured. the way i see the world. the way i understood the world. the way i reacted to the world. the way i preceive all the situations or the things that were happening to my life.
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The Word seems so clear now. it all fits, all harmonious. losing myself 4 the sake of Christ gained great meaning for my life. now i understand Paul. (lose everything in order to gain Christ.)
acting holy? no. clearing my mind n not thinking of anything? no. but rather reorientating my life to a new lifestyle defined by the Word. tedious? u bet. Difficult? not with God. Worth it? Yes.
it felt as if it was the closest time to feeling heaven on earth. (mind the clique)
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priests in OT had to clease their lives and be completely sinless b4 entering the temple n into God's presence. only this way will he be worthy enough to stand b4 the presence of the Lord. God spoke to Moses personally because ALL of Moses was given to God. closest we get? aaron perhaps. powerful.
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worried for sat. just have to keep on claiming God's promise. though He wasnt giving any hint at all how He's gonna come. He will show up.
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*last sunday*
God's plan is perfect. Now i knew why He kept it from me. He had a reason. all that i had to do was to be fatihful and wait. and He showed up :) everything added up. all the preparation He was doing. the fasting, the cleasing, the clearing, the closeness. everything.
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this week was becoming difficult n more difficult by the day. i was clear wat was happening. but i wasnt like that all the time.
was overcome by things even i didnt know. at first all the blurness n sluggishness was a bit disturbing. but it got worse. feels like a blanket has been thrown over me and been keeping me in wraps. i can see n hear, but i wasnt the person i was last week. i was feeling defeated. 'detached' from God? definitely.
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thanks sister. i didnt know and prob wont get to know if not for the meeting. got a whole truckload of stuff emptied. temple needs cleaning.
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cleaning is still in process. but its really affecting me a lot. not that i shld or that i dunno wats happening, but its affecting me. i know where to go to. but i am getting tired. letting the battles get to me.
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better go pray now.
reinitialize.
reinitialize.
reinitialize.